Trash Pizza, ranked
You can learn a lot about a person based on where they fall in life’s big debates: Coke vs. Pepsi, Triscuit vs. Wheat Thins, Taylor Swift vs. Katy Perry.
But there is one question that is perhaps the most decisive, the most controversial, the most disclose of what type of person you are: What is your favorite Trash Pizza?
Let’s get this out of the style — pizza is a gotdamn national treasure.
If I had a Personal Brand( tm ), it would be pizza. I often wear a pizza sweater, which matches my pizza bow tie-in, which matches my “pizza fund” change jar on my desk at work, which one time, I cashed out and get $71 for pizza. Every time for Christmas I ask for “pizza and/ or pizza related items, ” which is how I now have a pizza-shaped phone charger. And I used to have a Friday night ritual where I would grab a bottle of wine, a volume, and eat a whole pizza by myself in couch while reading.( Helpful tips-off for how you too can live your best pizza life here .)
But the beauty of pizza is that there are so many types of pizza. There are good pizzas for whether it wishes to feed your torso and Trash Pizzas — that inexpensive, greasy goodness — for when you want to feed your spirit. And the Trash Pizzas are the best.
But with so many types of Trash Pizzas out there, which one reigns supreme? Domino’s? Pizza Hut? Papa John’s?
Let’s settle the score. Here are your favorite Trash Pizzas, ranked.
8. Last place, the worst Trash Pizza: Little Caesars
Story time, folks. One day, when I was in college, I went to my friend’s St. Patrick’s Day party, which was probably bad suggestion# 1 bearing in mind the fact that, overall, I didn’t drink very much when I was in college. Because this was a college party where the name of the game was get the most booze for the cheapest price, people were boozing this concoction where you put a whole bunch of brew in a pail, spike that with alcohol, and then throw in edible glitter so it sparkles.( Bad idea# 2)
I wish I could tell I looked into that bucket and told “lol there’s no way I’m putting that into my torso, ” but, dear reader, I did not say that. I drank that beverage, which in hindsight, might have been literal poison. Somehow, in a very amazingly, entirely unforeseeable turn of events based on the safe and matured choices I was constructing, I get drunk. Like improbably drunk. Like so drunk out of my psyche that I decided it would be a good suggestion for me to pick up Little Caesars on the way home.
And let me tell you, friends, that was NOT a good selection. I have a very distinct recollection of sitting down at home, pulling up the first episode of Lost on Netflix, taking a bite of that Little Caesars pizza and thinking “Wow, this shit is not edible.”
That’s how bad Little Caesars is. It’s the clear loser of the Trash Pizzas.
7. Those heat lamp pizzas they have at gas station sometimes
Public service announcement: Gas station pizzas are a trap!
In my wayward youth, I have been ensnared by the weird allure of gas station pizza. Why? Since they are appear so much better than everything else in a gas station. They’re like a trophy to be won. After you pass the register, run through aisles of motor oil and other car goods, skip over the combos, there, glittering under a bright heat lamp, perhaps revolving gently, is the gas station pizza.
But it’s all a ruse, like those beautiful outdoor lamps that attract insects and electrocutes them. A gas station pizza will ruin your life. Unless you want to soon be spending 20 -3 0 minutes in a gas station bathroom, avoid the gas station pizza.
( They’re still better than Little Caesars tho .)
6. Hot Pocket Pizzas
Jim Gaffigan has said everything you need to know about hot pockets.
5. The little pizzas that come in Lunchables
Let’s be clear from the beginning: those pizzas that come in Lunchables are not good. They’re tiny so they aren’t fill, the “cheese” only savor like salt, and literally what is that tomato adhesive they put in a pouch and call pizza sauce?
And yet those gross lil’ Lunchables pizzas have a fond place in my nerve. They feel like a nostalgic relic from my childhood, a rite of passage that built me the person I am today. And if you rolled up to lunch in your first grade cafeteria with a Mega Deep Dish Lunchable pizza, you were basically a deity for the working day. God bless Lunchable pizzas.
DiGiorno pizza is solidly middle of the pack. It’s not the worst. It’s not the best. It only is. But here’s the thing about DiGiorno pizza: it’s operate.
DiGiorno’s whole pitching is it’s there when you want it. “It’s not delivery. It’s DiGiorno.” But if “youre reading” between the lines, what they’re genuinely saying is “make the gotdamn pizza yourself.” So then you have to pre-heat the oven, cook your pizza for 20 minutes, sometimes the cheese trickles and you have to clean your oven grill, then you have to grab bowls, and then you feed your pizza and it’s not even good. AND WHO WANTS TO DO THAT WORK FOR BAD PIZZA? Literally no one.
The Venn diagram of when I crave Trash Pizza and when I want to pre-heat an oven feature completely separate circles. Those two moods never intersect.
I don’t want to have to work for my Trash Pizza. I crave somebody to hand me a container and tell “stuff this in your face.”
3rd Place: Domino’s
It might be controversial that Domino’s appears in the centre of this list since, according to a very scientific study featuring 45 referendums and conducted by my friend and colleague Damon Beres, Domino’s is the best pizza.
Which is better
— Damon Beres (@ dlberes) February 15, 2018
But everyone is wrong. Domino’s is trash. And not in the good way. In terms of flavor, Domino’s is fine . It’s not great and not the worst, it’s just fine. To be totally honest, it savor mostly like grease, like all proper Trash Pizzas should.
However, we need to talk about that crust.
The default Domino’s pizza crust is their “hand-tossed” pizza crust, which is “garlic-seasoned, with a rich, buttery taste.” No, I’m not buying it. What they’ve genuinely done is taken a gross pizza and then induced it bougie.( Don’t start actin’ all brand new, Domino’s .)
The major felony with the crust is that their garlic “seasoning” is grainy and falls off everywhere, which makes a huge mess. It’s the Hansel and Gretel of pizza — it leaves a road of crumbs wherever it goes, WHICH IS NOT HOW A PIZZA SHOULD WORK. Domino’s has taken the concept of pizza, which is a handheld affair, and transformed it into a most sophisticated endeavor.
That’s some policeman -ish, Domino’s.
2nd Place: Papa John’s
Papa John’s used to be my favorite Trash Pizza, which may be surprising because Papa John’s is objectively bad pizza. I openly acknowledge that. In fact, when I did eat it, I called it “pizza product” or “imitation pizza.” But the thing about Papa John’s is that it is the perfect vehicle for grease and of course, their butter garlic sauce. And that butter garlic sauce is magic.( Side note, have you noticed that the sauce comes in two different consistencies, a creamy sauce and an oily sauce? It’s so wildly inconsistent which induces the garlic sauce feel like a game every time you ordering .)
It’s some type of alchemy. The butter garlic sauce is bad. The pizza is bad. But threw them together and they are the best damn trash pizza experience you can find. Whenever I feed a Papa John’s pizza, I felt like I could physically seem my nerve slowing in my body. It was fucking great.
The Winner, the best Trash Pizza: Pizza Hut
Everybody sleeps on Pizza Hut and it’s absolutely tragic.
Pizza Hut gave us stuffed crust pizza, arguably the greatest innovation in pizza history. You take a pizza and its crust and then YOU PUT MORE CHEESE IN IT. Tbh, I am surprised that whoever thought of that mind didn’t win a Nobel Prize.
And who can forget Pizza Hut’s BOOK IT! program, which made children free pizzas in exchange for reading volumes.
Listen, I get it. Pizza Hut pizza is NOT great. Nobody tells, “you know what I want right now. A Pizza Hut pizza.” And Pizza Hut known to be, so they leaned into that brand. Why else would you stuff hotdogs onto the end of a pizza. Why else would you partner with Taco Bell to create the promised land of trash meat, the combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.
Pizza Hut knows it’s litter so it turned everything surrounding the pizza great so that you can have the best possible Trash Pizza experience for as little money as is practicable. And for that reason, Pizza Hut is top of the list.