I am the empress of fall and I will erase you from my life if you drink hot coffee before the equinox
I am who they call the Empress of Fall — a title I gave myself after buying approximately 300 plastic gourds from a cellar Michael’s.
And as autumn approaches, here is my admonishing: if you dare to booze a cup of hot coffee before Friday, Sept. 22, 2017, I will absolutely erase you from my life.
Nothing affairs more to me than this.
As temperatures drop by only a few degrees in my particular region of the U.S ., I have borne witness to a number of incidents that have shaken me to my core. It is suggested that some people been returned from their Labor Day trips with the curious suggestion that it is time to suck down the hot bean sea. That couldn’t be further from the truth. It is actually time to suck down the cold bean sea.
I was a barista for three months in college, so I am the one who knows best about this!
To be clear, I do not care what various kinds of cold high octane energy brews you put into your body during this transitional season. Enjoy your iced lattes and your iced vanilla lattes and your iced vanilla lattes in a slightly higher size. From the bottom of my nerve, savor every drop of your robust cold brew.
But the moment you utter the words, “Actually, build that a hot one, please, ” I am already deleting your epithet from my contact list. I am sending condolences to your loved ones. I am uninviting you from my bi-annual equinox bash( “Equinox Evening” ), because you do not exist.
Please don’t take this personally. It’s not you! It’s only that I have a deep-seated trouble with your predilections and what brings you small-scale exultation in our increasingly contentious world.
Several years ago, I traveled home to watch their own families for Labor Day weekend. My flight landed late at night, and took a cab to my parents’ house so as not to wake them for a journey. In the morning, when I awoke, there was a beaker of hot coffee waiting for me at the kitchen table.
I left right away, abandoning my suitcase and the content of the report to their mansion of frights. I have not ensure my family since.
On Sept. 22, the sun’s rays will cross the celestial equator from north to south, just as we will all cross the very real , not subjective threshold between “ice drink time” and “warm booze time.” Reader, the official equinox arrives at 4:02 p.m. EDT. Cross the threshold not a second sooner, or that first sip of steamy java will end our relationship forever.
Hot tea is fine whenever!
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