Diggy Moreland’s ‘Bachelor’ Recap: Colton Jumps To Conclusions Instead Of Over Fences Betches
The. Final. Four. No, I’m not referring to the best sporting event ever, March Madness. I’m referring to the final four ladies who are duelling for their right to go on a long time press tour of their lives, an all-expenses-paid wedding, and is to be able to answer what girls all over America are going to wonder: “So how was IT ?! ” But before we get to cutting wedding cakes, let’s realize Colton squirm a bit more during hometown visits.
Episode 8 starts with Colton taking the first indoor shower we’ve assured all season. The fact that we know his regimen( all water , no soap) is mind-boggling, but at the least there’s a roof this time. If the soapless shower doesn’t build your scalp creep, the facts of the case that he packs merely a carry-on to four metropolis should. Just when I think this dude knows nothing, I ensure Ugg slippers in the corner which allows him to COMPLETELY redeem himself( UGG Slipper fan here…..not sponsored ).
A visit to Caelynn’s hometown of Fredericksburg, VA is up first. Caelynn greets Colton with kiss and a horse and cab ride which tells me two things: 1) She’s wholly romantic and 2) Late night plunder calls in the 1860 s were ROUGH. Since Colton’s jeans are too tight for an actual billfold, he takes the two dollars he has and they grab ice cream and converse in the grove. Caelynn dedicates him their own families breakdown, and preps Colton for the hard-hitting questions like: “Which cookies are better, Red Lobster or Popeyes? ” Answer: It’s a tie.
Finally constructing it to Caelynn’s home, we fulfill her entire household in the backyard which includes the immediate family, neighbors who merely want to be on Tv, and the Asian ER nurse from Grey’s Anatomy who never has any lines. Her stepdad John tries to act like a tough guy, but America can’t take you severely while you rock the# 6 from the haircut map at SuperCuts, so we find right through it. Ariana( Caelynn’s sister) says she “Can’t recognize Caelynn with Colton.” Here’s a tip-off: Wear less than 10 pounds of eye shadow, you might be able to open your eyes and recognize their own future together. All in all, a pretty successful hometown, and while Colton asks for her dad’s permission to propose like he’s asking questions dessert seconds, John says yes.
Next Up? Hannah G. in Alabama! Eager to get to some warm climate and discover some ACTUAL football, Colton builds it to Birmingham. Realizing that Colton kissed a girl and learned how to use a fork at the same age, she makes him take an etiquette class before stepping foot in her mothers’ home. Walking with a volume on his head, and doing other things you might determine at the Westminster dog show, Hannah G. has Colton jump through hoops with the etiquette trainer, and she ultimately brings him home.
“What stimulates you qualified to marry two daughters? ”
Me: “Well today I balanced a book on my head”
— Colton Underwood (@ colton) February 26, 2019
This is my favorite hometown of the four by FAR. Not only because Hannah G.’s mom looked like a cast member from Family Guy , but mostly because I’ve never seen so many “Can I speak to the manager haircuts” in one place.( If you don’t know what I’m referring to, Google it. Thank me afterwards .) Colton sits down for dinner( buttering his bread correctly thanks to the etiquette class) they begin asking him about his intentions, and he tries his best. The whole day, I get the feeling that I’m watching a bad political campaign commercial, and the majority of members of that’s driven by the fact that Hannah’s father is “re dressed like” a presidential candidate. After a long period with the cast of Fried Green Tomatoes, Colton tells Hannah that he adoration her while staring at the gnome from the Expedia commercials.
I just watched #thebachelor to the end, and realise Hannah G. Family do their “rap.”
Someone please made me with the “Men In Black” mind eraser, because I can’t unsee that.
— Diggy Moreland (@ diggymoreland) February 26, 2019
Next on the Hometown Tour: Tayshia in Orange County! Tayshia decides to start the day off with a big surprise for Colton, and won’t let him learn, and that includes blindfolding him even the car ride where he makes his head en route.( No one feels sorry that you reach your brain, Colton, because that’s what we’ve been doing intentionally against the wall every Monday since this season started .) As if their bungee jump-start overseas wasn’t enough, Tayshia takes love to a new altitude again by taking Colton skydiving. Unsure like he’s trying to open a condom wrapper one-handed, Colton mans up and takes the plunge for love. Colton says he doesn’t want to die a virgin because he heard that “it’s” real good. We’re not talking about Cinnabon here Colton, but yes. Sexuality. Is. Good.
Back on solid ground, Tayshia takes Colton home to a family that only sits on the couch waiting for the doorbell to resounding. Rant Time : Insure, this is where I get annoyed. No household merely sits on the couch and allows someone to walk in. Where’s the realistic bell resounds and mama screaming: “Who the hell is it? ” and then answering the door with her wig on crooks and flour all over her hand from cooking, or the parent answering the door with a beer-stained tank top. Now THAT’S realistic. Rant over.
Tayshia’s family sits down for dinner, and I’m already uncomfortable since it is behavior too many collared shirts for a dinner at my own home. Tayshia’s mom takes her to a bedroom with a cross above the bed where they talk in the bed with their shoes on. I’m presuming the cross is there to get rid of the evilness that will exist in the sheets since you tracked your unclean shoes on the mattress. At the same time we realize that Desmond( Tayshia’s dad) is a BBQ master because he is GRILLING Colton outside. After several rounds of questioning, and Tayshia saying she likes her meat well done, Desmond makes Colton his blessing.
Last but not least, Cassie in Huntington Beach. Cassie starts out by dedicating Colton one of many future lessons in “firsts, ” but this one includes surfing. While Cassie is an awesome surfer, Colton’s skill level leaves much to be desired. I’ll say this: If his first time surfing is any indication of his first time doing other things, someone is going to be UPSET. Cassie realizes that everything isn’t for everybody, so she decides to bringing him home anyway.
Cassie’s family is adorable and I feel like I’m 10 years old and watching TGIF all over again. Providing more torso contact than someone giving CPR, Colton is genuinely handsy at this hometown. You can genuinely was well known that her family craves someone perfect for her, while most parents would just crave their 23 -year-old out their home. This whole hometown been demonstrated that Cassie is as unsure about her feelings for Colton, and it truly induces him like her more.( Yea, us guys like the chase .) Colton chats with Cassie’s pops, and the fixated eye contact her father has with him shows that his favorite pastime has to be watching flowers grow. Colton imagines things are going well with her papa and when asking questions permission to propose he gets the “I’m going to take a raincheck on that.” Ouch, we can’t even secure that blemish in post edit.
Time for rises! Chris Harrison( if you forgot, the host of the demonstrate) returns from his nap caused by this season putting him to sleep. This rose rite takes place in a beautiful home, that looks like it could be the first ever Chick-Fil-A. The ladies show up, but all Uber meters stay operating to whisk someone off to the airport.
Roses go to Hannah, Tayshia, and Cassie, even though she was quoted as saying: “I don’t crave this to be over” instead of “I love you.” Free room and board? Cassie, I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t crave it to be over either. LA rent is expensive.
Caelynn, cheer up. Paradise will be worth the wait.
All I’m going to say is, if what happened the last time the Bachelor told several contestants he loved them is any indication of what might happen next, this isn’t going to end well…..
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