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Betches Love This College: Syracuse University Betches

Listen up, newcomers. We’re bringing back Betches Love This College, where we give you the no-BS rundown of all the schools you’re thinking of applying to. It’s all the sh* t your steering consultant will never say.

Dear Orange Friends,

In the heart of Upstate New York, Syracuse University provides as a home to Barstool’s most moronic, the entire female population of Long Island, and our mascot, a literal f* cking orange called Otto. Known for its academy tone and occasionally good basketball crew, Syracuse tends to pop up on many students’ roll of security academies.

Ranked at 53 in the country, Syracuse is the top school for B+ students. While some programs are more difficult to get into than others, the overall mentality at Syracuse is “here for the college experience” also known as blacking out on Tuesdays and getting STDs you can’t pronounce.

The likes of Joe Biden, Aaron Sorkin, Jessie Mueller, Taye Diggs, and Col. Eileen Collins( she’s the first female space shuttle commandant f* cking duh) trod on the very same mall as you. JK the billion dollars mall is like three years old. But they probs sat in the same drafty constructs as you, because those are like, historical artifacts. One structure was even is available as the Addams Family house.

Syracuse is one large-scale orange family. By that I intend the entire academy has a weird obsession with The Dean, Kent Syverud, and the head of construction, Pete Sala. Between these odd characters and last year’s mumps epidemic, there has been no scarcity of memes surrounding Syracuse life. And that’s all you need to know about any college right? It’s meme-able. Also, Terry from Brooklyn Nine-Nine started here, so that’s v important.


To give you the real scoop on what goes down at this extremely well-known but mildly-respected college, we’ve violated everything down into categories.


Whitman: They likely have their impress score in their Tinder bio and truly said he believed that is now in Whitman is a personality trait. The typical day-to-day outfit of a Whitman student is a suit, a Canada Goose coat, and fatality in their eyes. Whitman is home to dozens of frat boys awaiting the day their papas hand them over the company keys. The girls in Whitman come in two types: Boss betches and betches looking to get wifed( some ladies are even doing guys’ homework. For free. We’re transmitting aid ASAP ).

Newhouse: Truly a mixed bag in here. You’ve get students who are die-hard first amendment, videotape themselves to the White House fence, protest a protest type of people. Then you have Becca from Long Island whose greatest aspiration is doing PR for Glossier-there’s no in between.

Crouse Hospital

iSchool: They’re the people you go to with literally any engineering question, even though they probably don’t have the solution. These people were smart and didn’t ED Whitman or Newhouse because they’re actually learning valuable abilities like coding and sh* t. They’re going to be attaining bank long before you’ve even thought about moving out of your parent’s garage.

Engineering And Computer Science: The less relevant version of the iSchool but still really smart. They take a sh* t ton of math first-class, so that’s clearly not the major for most of us. Thank u, next.

Visual And Performing Artistries: A huge assortment of majors in here. We’ve got all your high school stripe geeks constructing it big time, aspiring opera singers, and professional clarinet musicians. The worst building on campus to learn in, needless to say. The highlighting major in VPA is for sure Com Design. They’re the designated artsy pal, can Facetune your illustrations to Vogue quality, and are like super creative. Just be kept in mind that if you do choose to go down this path you’ll be investing most of your days in the Warehouse until 4 am.

Architecture: Every very often you’ll see one of these students crawl out of the woodwork. Architecture students are a scarcity. They’re either asleep, chained to their tables, or a combination of both( which happens direction more frequently than you’d reckon ). Your best shot at reading an Architecture student in the wild is when they’re submerge their regrets in booze.

College Of Arts And Sciences: All the kids who didn’t get into Newhouse, Whitman, and are undecided until they’re forcing them to pick a major after jeopardized by counseling counselors-at-law.

Maxwell: Do not establish the mistake of assuming that these students is inside the College of Arts and Sciences BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT and they will literally feed you for breakfast if you assume otherwise. But for reals, don’t argue with them make all these kids be brought to an end being lawyers or politicians. Not worth your time.

School Of Education: These students are either the moms of the friend group or the drunken child that are required to be escorted residence by campus police and hooked up to an IV the next morning. The teachers of our future children, ladies and gentlemen.

Falk: Half of Falk is genuinely athletic and wants to like, manage a athletics crew. The other half of Falk just really likes to eat. They legit can take cooking first-class for their major and now I’m questioning all my life alternatives.

Honorable Mention- SUNY ESF: These students keep walking with fake squirrel tails attached to their ass, major in sunflowers, doesn’t wear shoes 99% of the time, and will literally fight you for killing a flaw. Long live the cockroaches.



Freshman: Freshman break down into two categories: The first bunch are in Day or Flint Hall and are 1000% from New York or New Jersey. They came to academy with literally 30 best friends since they are did a meet-up at Cantina in the city. They Instagram from every single nighttime they go out on a blank wall in the dorm then edits use the C1 filter from VSCO. Captions are typically along the lines of “you better get used to seeing these faces”. All of their tailgate clothes are custom-made done by Snipped& Styled or By Gabby.

The second live in Haven, Dellplain or BBB. Their entire pal group consists of people from their floor whom they swear will be their besties for life. They went into college not knowing one human, brought a purse to DJ’s on their first night out, and expended a dangerous sum of period searching out parties that would let them in on the basis of their boy-to-girl group rate. These students come from states other than the East Coast( verify: Ohio, California, Nebraska, etc .) or are international students( meet: China, Canada, Spain, etc .). In case you’re wondering, I was this freshman. Cheers!

An easy path distinguished from these two different types of newcomer is to see who intention up going to the AEPi jersey party first semester. Contrary to popular belief, this is not “states parties ” for people from Jersey, but instead “states parties ” where one must panic-call their mom to overnight their brother’s prized jersey, wear it as a dress, then do copious quantities of research about whose names appear on the back.

Greeks: I’d like to start off by acknowledging that Greek life at Syracuse is straight-up abysmal. Everything there is started back when some lame engineering frat( not even a social frat) decided to post a hazing video, in which they managed to check off every type of “-ist” and “-phobic” slur the dictionary provides. It offended every possible human on land except straight lily-white males( tell me something I don’t know ), so you better believe this sh* t stirred it all the way to CNN. So now Greek life is under open watch by the Dean and a different section get kicked off campus every other week. If you still subsist, you better watch your f* cking backs because no one is safe( we see you in that Uber, Ron ). It’s the legit Hunger Games rn. So in an effort to keep my sorority from get abolished, we’re going to talk about Greek Life~ holistically ~.

Sororities: Let’s be real here. 99% of the girls in Greek life are from the East Coast , no matter what mansion you’re in. One house to the next varies in their differentiation of basic b* tch- from ground loving-hoes to wannabe Insta-models to actual Insta-models to dripping in daddy’s credit card-you get the whole swatch of sorority stereotype all on one campus. What a wonderful cultural experience. Also, hasten seems like a WAY bigger bargain than it actually is( I almost anxious puked in a house) but the secret is, once you’re in a sorority, all the frats become your playground. Don’t try to BS me that you’re doing this sh* t for sisterhood or philanthropies. We all know you just just wanted to get dicked by a ZBT guy your friend f* cked last week induce he’s kinda hot and she said it was actually good and now you’re like, so jealous.

Pro tip: If you don’t find a residence you like( or you wrecked your GPA and can’t rushing) only develop your own residence. No one will f* cking know. You can’t break the standard rules if you’re your own Nationals! Besides, everyone can ordering~ notes~ online, it’s 2018. Rush Alpha Rho Iota everyone! Alpha Sigma Sigma for hottest pledge class!


Frats: There are only two types of frats at Syracuse: those who host afters and those who do not. If you’re a girl, you’ll get into literally anywhere free of charge once the clock strikes 12, like Cinderella, but more diseased beer-pooled floors and less chivalrous boys. If you’re a guy looking to hurry-up, you’re going to want to aim to be in a frat that hosts afters, but realistically you won’t be. Good luck establishing it through hazing hunny. We’re talking locked in coffins on LSD and igniting your Canada Goose at the stake. But it’s worth it right ?? Brotherhood! Unity! SATURDAYS ARE FOR THE BOYS!

Honorable Mentions

The Daily Orange: I would like it to be on the record that I was fired from The Daily Orange on the grounds that I didn’t “participate in group activities” enough. So basically I was voted out of the cult that is this student-run newspaper. I swear these people are another spawned of human and legitimately conceive the everyday lives are scenes out of The Post . They’re always sweating and scratching sh* t down on dollar-store notepads like they’re about to break f* cking Watergate. But don’t be clowned, they report on sh* t like Trump advocates feeling~ unwelcome~ on campus * plays worlds smallest violin *.

CHAARG/ Dance Works: If you host philanthropies and have formals or date nighttimes, you’re basically a sorority. The only thing that stirs the girl child different is that we are really work out after a darknes of binge booze and coke. The remainder of us merely walk-of-shame in ABC clothings in negative 30 -degree weather from Castle Court( see below ).

First Time Musicians: If I could go back in time to my freshman self, I would pass her two pieces of admonition: sons who ask if you want to do homework at their home don’t actually want to do homework and join First Time Musicians so you can make friends who are equally as obsessed with Broadway as you( rather than just drunk singing to Wicked by yourself ). FYP throws insane parties on Sumner and does big-little–that’s like as Greek as you can get.

GDIs: The God Damn Independents make up like 70% of the student population at Syracuse. They f* cking detest Greek life, so don’t ask them what house they’re in- it’s deep offensive. They typically host mansion parties on Lancaster or Ostrom or some street that’s likely space too far from where you live, so trekking there is a real commitment. As their call governments, GDIs are independent AF and really make the most of their day at’ Cuse. They like, actually, branch out and encounter people who aren’t from Westchester and do things other than proceeding naked to frats in the dead of winter. So heartens to the GDIs, may we know them and be them( but not actually because we’re too reliant on our sororities’ social schedules ).


Castle Court: This is the place for upperclassmen frat boys and sorority girls who are “one of the boys”. She’ll remind you she lives here at least six times in one conversation. And that Castle tailgates are unreal and it’s literally SO f* cked up that DPS shuts them down after three seconds. Likewise, the messier your suite, the cool “you think youre”. I don’t make the rules, I’m merely stating them. 98% of the time, all the apartment doorways are open and people just enter as they please. But don’t you dare take a whippet without venmoing for it first.

Park Point: Welcome to the palace to the JABs. If you live here, you’ve for sure got a stocked bar cart that sits right under your sorority flag or a poster of a celeb you don’t even follow on Insta but claim is your “actual goals”. You for sure ordering Bleu Monkey an ludicrous amount and can never decide between Pike, ZBT or Sig Chi afters. One of your roommates likely has a small yappy puppy that they bought at PetSmart but literally swears is from a cruelty-free farm in Pennsylvania. Can it, Jenna.

The Marshall: Basically the pregame to Park Point. Mostly juniors living it up in this newly built( but probably still not finished) apartment complex right on Marshall street. Location is prime with DJ’s as your backyard and Lucy’s as your front. The hallways reek like a mixture of stale McDonald’s, grime bong liquid and New Amsterdam. There is no one you won’t run into in this building. The elevator is basically a carousel of all your regretted hook-ups. So it’s really fun to run into Tuesday’s guy while walk-of-shaming from Saturday night’s frat son.

Marshall Drawbacks

Miscellaneous Housing: Off campus, there are tons of random, minorly rundown residences that are likely to haven’t been up to security code since 1982. The people who live in these are either GDIs or stoners. The odd period you’ll get a few Greeks who feel like going against the grain. Off-campus houses are also the incident for GDI parties, but more on that later.

Walnut 505: A stunning house that no one is living in’ cause it’s too far and we’re all lazy and coldnes. Props to you if you can induce the amble, but most of us is simply get as far as Kubal.

South Campus: This poor excuse for campus living was Syracuse’s genius idea to resolve their tight housing issue. So instead, they built rooms out of shipping containers down the street from a graveyard. If that doesn’t say college tone, IDK what does. Mostly sophomores and athletes reside this province, but some upperclassmen like to live here because it’s cheap and on the Centro bus line. Driving through here literally looks like a deserted junkyard or something out of a post-apocalyptic movie.

Things To Do During The Day

Destiny USA: Probably one of the most ratchet malls I’ve ever been to, but you’re in bumble-f* ck nowhere so it’s the best you’re going to get. They have a huge movie theatre and PF Changs, so those are both positives, but other than that it’s appearing pretty lame. Pro tip for all my fellow JABs- there are always discount Wildfox sweaters at Saks Off Fifth.

Target: It’s winter. You’ve been diagnosed with SAD. The counseling middle is overbooked with other depressed people because hey, it’s Syracuse. What else is there turn left to do but Target? Much less expensive than finding a local Syracuse therapist and most certainly a lot more fun. Target is the answer to practically all the questions: theme party? Target. Pledge packs? Target. Threw up on your sheets? Target.


Skaneateles: If you’re feeling like a bougie betch, head out in your sorority sisters’ Jeep and drive to Skaneateles. It’s just outside of Syracuse and astonishingly civilized. They have a spa, mediocre store, a nice seafood eatery, and a reservoir that attains for a beautiful( and compulsory) Insta backdrop. You can also meet up with your smarter Cornell friends here because it’s not too far from Ithaca.

Things To Do At Night

DJ’s: If I were to encapsulate Syracuse in one way, it would be DJ’s. This saloon attracts legitimately every human on campus and battalions them all into a cellar guarded by two obese boys maintaining fake grease-guns and taking 50 s from freshman sons whose shams won’t scan. Everything smells like rum pails and sweat. There’s nowhere to move unless you lock yourself in the cage. Yes. They have a f* cking cage. DJ’s is also the ONLY place you should go for Happy Hour because it’s literally absurd. The garb is leggings and snow boots, knapsacks are on, “youre supposed to” still have a class at 6:00 but you’re chugging a vodka Redbull anyway.

Harry’s: In case DJ’s wasn’t disgusting enough, meet its across the street neighbor, Harry’s! Also in a basement( but this time below CVS, yum ), Harry’s generally hosts upperclassmen or GDIs. Usually, the young Greeks flock to the frats or DJ’s, leaving this region slightly more sophisticated( as sophisticated as a CVS storage room full of horny drunks can be ).

Lucy’s: If you refer to this place as Orange Crate, you can leave now. It always and forever is likely to be Lucy’s so you can just GTFO now. Lucy’s is a classic Syracuse staple that caters to the legal population of Syracuse( or the person or persons with fakes that are better than the ones from ID God ). This is easily the best bar at Syracuse because it has a sh* t ton of space with both indoor and outdoor regions. They likewise are notorious for having the best pizza. Realistically, it probably sucks, but who f* cking cares, you’re drunk.

Faegan’s: Faegan’s is without a doubt the most normal saloon out of the bunch. They’re super strict on IDs, so everyone is actually legal and doesn’t projectile puking onto your shoes. They likewise host flip-night which is the most fun thing at Syracuse that you don’t seeing someone go to. And by recognize, I signify profusely post on Snapchat. But I guess with age comes maturity, and with maturity comes less of a need to live stream your unhealthy drinking habits.

Space Camp: I’ve never been able to actually situate Space Camp because the address is ever changing, but it’s supposed to be super cool. It hosts exclusive and artsy parties attended heavily by Com Design and Bandier students. It’s your go-to region to ascertain Soundcloud rappers and that neighbourhood band from Rochester you’ve never heard of.


Good Uncle: There’s something quite dehumanizing about waiting in your pajamas in a line for meat that’s cooked out of a van. But this is Syracuse, so are you really that astonished? Good Uncle is a food delivery services that are brings you “New York mode snacks, in a Syracuse minute”, could I make this sh* t up? Everyone orders from it because of the convenience but not one person has a good thing to say about it. Except for the facts of the case that their mac& cheese is merit the heart attack.

Bleu Monkey: Eating sushi in Syracuse is like playing Russian Roulette. Eventually, you’re going to get food poisoning because you’re eating raw fish in Upstate New York, so just pick your sushi place and journey it out. Bleu Monkey is an obvious choice, with Oishi as the runner-up( because Anthony the delivery man is the sh* t ). They sure as hell don’t card at the restaurant, so you can down a bottle of sake with your California roll and have yourself a night.

Strong Heart: Stave off the freshman 15 with the only decent salads on campus. Strong Nerve is a fan favorite among dames and thots alike. This home is no bigger than a bathroom but I guarantee each time you go, you’ll run across at least eight people you know, or at the least follow on Instagram but def wouldn’t say hi to in person. I give this place mad props for actually building tofu preference good, cause they like, deep fry it until it tastes like chicken nuggets. But it’s vegan so it’s healthy … right ??

New Jersey

Water Street Bagel Co: If you miss your classic New York bagel, this is seriously the place to go, they’re overpriced and everything! For the perfect hangover remedy, gaze no further than their bacon, egg, and cheese. This home is absolutely amazing, but their one drawback is that they don’t have f* cking iced coffee. Like what betch fees her bagel without an iced coffee with almond milk and Stevia? They do have coffee and frost though so I guess you could put two and two together, but I’m sorry it’s just not the same.

XO Taco: This is Syracuse’s attempt at trying to be cool and trendy. Considering the market for Mexican meat was somewhat open, XO Taco fit right in. They have these neon light lips on the walls, in order to be allowed to for sure Insta story that upon reaching. The tacos are candidly not that good but look pretty, so use some burst and get a pic in for your aesthetic. They make good guzzles and don’t card strictly, so tequila shots on me!

Pastabilities: For a long time, this was the only edible meat in Syracuse. Now it has some rival, but it’s still a staple. Hands-down, this is the best pasta you’ll get in Syracuse. And it’s not even merely Syracuse good, it’s good good. Their better various kinds of pasta are homemade and they’re most well known for their spicy-hot tomato oil. Pro tip: If you go towards the end of the night and stay until they start closing, they’ll give you a free baguette. Free food! What more could you ask for?

Dinosaur BBQ: People legit travel to Syracuse to try Dinosaur. It’s so successful that they even opened up one in NYC. Their sauce is on a different level, but my favorite dish is for sure their poutine( that’s the true Canadian in me coming out ). People likewise die over their pulled pork sandwiches, but I can’t refer because #kosher. I’m also pretty sure Guy Fieri has been here, so if that’s not reason enough to try it out IDK what is.

Stella’s& Rise N’ Shine: When you’re in need of a greasy brunch, you’ve got two options. Stella’s is bigger and dirtier, but direction faster. Rise N’ Shine is somewhat classier and has really good M& M pancakes( don’t judge my alternatives I’m young adults ), but it takes FOREVER to get a bench. You can’t go wrong with either option, but just know that you’re likely going to dedicate your entire morning to this brunch, so make it count.

Original Grain: This place is a little far from campus, but worth the trek every once in a while. OG does bowls, salads, and sandwiches that are definitely above average in terms of Syracuse cuisine. I wouldn’t recommend making this a regular place to grab a banquet, because it doesn’t take long to get sick of. But I guess that’s like everything in Syracuse soooooo.


Kissing Bench: I’m pretty sure this was made up just to be a stop on the campus tour, but people feed this sh* t up so I guess it’s legit? Basically, if you sit on this random cement bench with a person, you like, have to marry them. Induce that’s your soul mate. But sit on it alone, and your soul mate is yourself. Spooky sh* t. I simply realise this rule after some upperclassmen tittered at me while I was calling my mama on said terrace. So that explains a lot.

The Legend Of 44: Syracuse’s fav number is 44, because their merely good football players to ever prevail wore it. Now they retired the amount so no one can wear it, which was a bold alternative considering our team hasn’t won in like, ever. Syracuse is legit so obsessed with 44 that they changed the postal code so it could have 44 in it. And every number on campus has 44 in it. IDK about you, but that sounds like some serious OCD sh* t to me.

Crouse Chime: This one is my f* cking favorite. Atop the Hogwarts building( not its official identify, for the record) rest a determined of bells. A few selected students get the honor of playing said bells. Every. Damn. Day. I can’t explain how fun it is to hear the chime version of Little Mermaid while taking a final. Or trying to do a introduction and being rudely interrupted by the Scooby Doo theme song. The buzzers even have a Twitter account where it is possible submit songs or receive updates. It’s weird.

Standing At Basketball Games: This one’s a little bizarre and I have no idea the source, but basically, you have to stay standing at basketball games until the team ratings. This grows trying when you’re f* cking blacked from the tailgate and the team suctions* ss and prevents missing, but you still have to stand. Basketball is also a huge bargain at Syracuse, so that’s important to mention if you’re like, into sports or something.

Before You Graduate You Should …

– Have sex in a Whitman team room or on the quad

– Skip a class because it was too cold

– Go in the enclosure at DJ’s

– Take the FST 422( the beer and wine class)

– Go to a Syracuse Vs. Duke basketball game

– Purpose up at Crouse Hospital

– Hangover-puke in your residence college

– Have a public mental breakdown in Bird

– Make it through a night of saloon hopping

– Dome in the dome

– Befriend the people at Orange Hill Liquor( that’s when you are familiar with)

– Smoke a weaken in the graveyard behind Lawrinson

– Witness a frat brawl( bonus phases if it’s over you)

– Fall off an heightened surface and live

– Meet the screaming Jesus man on the corner of Marshall


Pepsi Campus: This is pretty self-explanatory, but Syracuse is a attested Pepsi campus, necessitating they don’t sell Coke anywhere( the drink, that is ). And to build contents worse, their liquid of alternative is f* cking Aquafina. That’s sufficient to drive someone to full lunacy. Don’t try to fight me. All water savour different, and this one savors like walking out of an quiz you know you failed. That was poetic* ten-strikes weaken *. Pro tip: There’s a cafe under Hendrick’s Chapel called People’s Place. It’s reasonably angsty and low-key unclean, but they live under a faith so they can sell Coke. Because somehow the rules of sponsorships don’t apply to regions of worship?

Cold AF: It’s like, record-breakingly cold in Syracuse, so if you’re not ready to tread through the snow to make it to your 8 am, this ain’t the place for you. The breeze literally can stimulate you holler some days and I’ve slipped on ice more times than I’d like to admit. The school does a pretty good task of clearing the snowfall, but it’s hard to keep up with it when it’s falling at like an inch a time.

Dangerous: One thing they for sure don’t highlight on the tour is that Syracuse is scary as sh* t. The violation rate is utterly wild, and the local folks are instead startling. It varies from burglaries to muggings to bomb threats to gun violence, so we really lead the gamut. A fun fact: The Lovely Bones is loosely based off an accident that emerged in Syracuse’s very own Thornden Park! Don’t proceed treading there alone kids. There was also that really fun time when a human hid in the women’s bathroom and videotaped a day’s worth of sh* tting. BTW, every citation was from 2018 alone. Good vibes.

Why Syracuse Is The Best

Okay so I may have just invested the past thousand terms ripping Syracuse a new one, but that’s merely to give you a fuller illustration. Overall, Syracuse is actually the best. There is so much school intent, stimulating plays and tailgates insane. It was voted in the top five party academies by Princeton Review and the booty-call capital by GoPuff. Take that info how you please.

They likewise have some seriously top-notch programs( if you’re into like, academics and sh* t ). In 2018, Newhouse was ranked the third best and Education was graded the second-best in their subjects. Syracuse is also the eighth most represented college on Broadway as of this year. And Architecture always ranks as one of the top programs the school offers.

At the end of the day, I would not be where I am or who I am today without Syracuse( I just gagged at that sentence but it’s true-blue ). The graduates are so supportive and like, actually actually want you to get a job one day, and isn’t that the point of college? So best of luck to you youngins on your college huntings and GO ORANGE!


Images: Giphy (8 )

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